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End It, Once and for All

To begin with I’ll start with a brief background for understanding. I grew up in a very dysfunctional home. I had a dad that was extremely abusive in every sense of the word. I had a mother that was a very loving and strong Christian lady and still is today.

Since mother was such a devout Christian I was taken to church every time that the Church doors were open and sometimes even when they weren’t open. So I was taught at a very early age that there was a Loving God. But as I became older and things got worse my whole attitude toward God changed. My dad wasn’t a Christian when I was a young child. He pretended to accept Christ when I was six years old. No, I’m not trying to be judgmental, you will understand later on why I made this statement. See even after his so called conversion he still was abusive even to the point of incest. I was taught that an earthly father was supposed to love the way the Heavenly father did. So when I heard that the Heavenly Father was a Father of Love and didn’t want any harm to come to me, I just didn’t understand why he was allowing my earthly father to do what he was doing.

Several years later after I started College. I came home one weekend, big mistake dad decided that since he had not been able to abuse me in a couple of weeks he would do it up right. Went back to school and within days found out that I was carrying his child. Afraid not knowing what to do I decided that I couldn’t carry the child full term so I had an abortion. Proud of that decision no way am I proud of it and still carry the guilt today. As a result of this I had another reason to cuss God and say he didn’t exist. And because of these mistakes I chose to drop out of school. And I returned home. Although my mother is a very strong lady she also had to put up with an abusive husband and turned to me her oldest child for help. And since I’ve had to be and pretend to be the rock she could lean on for help I was at her side. But the rock wasn’t strong all I wanted was to end my life after all hadn’t I just killed someone. Why didn’t I? Because there were friends who said no and made sure that I didn’t. But more than that there was a greater force that had His hand on me even though I didn’t want to see that hand.

Remaining at home and scared most of the time, I still felt that my mother and younger brother needed help. Not being able too cope myself and all I wanted to do was end my life. I was a mess, and not able to find employment because of my emotions being so unstable. My parents decided since I had been interested in starting a day care that they would build a building behind their home. Another huge problem, I wasn’t ready for that and made a big mistake. Won’t go into details because I’m still trying to deal with that one even thought it’s been several years past. But as a result another excuse to hate God and blame him.

Being a baby boomer which might tell age about I’m still living at home with mother, dad died three and a half years ago. Did I ever want to forgive him not until he was almost dead. He never gave me the chance to do so, when the time was right! See even though I still hated God, He was saying you must forgive your father, so that I can forgive you.

Several weeks ago the more I thought about my life the more I said it’s time to end it once and for all. But here again there was that unseen person that said why don’t you surf the web and find a Christian website. So with weapon in one hand and mouse in other I tried to follow the direction which I didn’t understand. And because of making the right decision I found someone at the Answers2Prayer ministry who was willing to listen and give very sound advice.

What’s the point to all this. It’s that there is a God!! And he has so much love that He Gave His Only Son, so that we might have eternal life. See even those times that I denied him and cussed him he still showed his love even though I didn’t want to see it. No it’s not easy to accept something you don’t see and don’t even understand. Who says we have to see Him, the only thing that’s important is that we believe that He Is God! I have come to that belief. If God can still love me even though I have made serious mistakes. He can and will Love all those that will accept Him and ask Him to forgive them for their sins. He is standing there with hands out stretched to receive those that will come to Him. Please consider accepting Gods Love There’s No Greater Love Than His!

Gena (Received on August 16, 2001)