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Past Abuse

I want to tell all about my friend Catherine. Before I met her I was bitter, angry and mistrusted everyone. The world was meant to hurt you. Love hurt. That was all I knew. I became an expert at pushing people away and keeping them away it was safer that way as people would hurt you if you let them near your heart. I had no close friends and believe me I wanted it that way. Then one day I met Catherine Rose Halliday, I am not sure what attracted me to her but she had a quiet peace and confidence I know I wanted. So I took a chance and asked her out for something to eat. Over dinner I kept thinking what an amazing person she is and how at peace i felt with her. But still I kept telling myself don’t get to close or she will hurt you because everyone does.

We began to get together more and more and while I got more comfortable with her the fear was still so intense i took pains to push her away. Even asked her when she was going to reject me like everyone else does. But no she never did. Instead she invited me to her church where for the first time I met God. And now I was really supposed to open my heart up to God and that freaked me out. I panicked in church i would run or become short of breath and freak out. Not only did God’s love scare me badly but the thought of letting other people in the church scared me insane. Get away, get away. I would be sick to my stomach and turn white as a sheet. Many times i came close to fainting.

Many times I told myself that’s it I am not going back. I had only one thing to hold onto Catherine. Letting her that close to me scared me even more but she was my life preserver to a drowning man. Each time she would love me, accept me and just stand by me. She stayed by me. I could not believe it. Wow. She never left. No matter how I reacted she stayed. No matter how sick I got she stayed and held my hand. She even gave me hugs when before I would never let anyone do that. But she stayed. My god she stayed. Slowly the walls are coming down and i still worry at times if she is going to leave. But when I fear the most she is there more then ever. I push her away and she pushes back even stronger. The walls are coming down and she is the only person on the inside helping me take them down. She loves me. God loves me. And in her I see God. I am not the same person as I was before I met her, you would not recognize me anymore, the fighter is gone, the bitterness is gone, the anger is gone. The person who saw herself as nothing more then an object is now loved and is worthy of love. All I pray is that i am 1/2 the person she sees me as. Dear Lord Bless Catherine, I love her so. Keep her safe and protected and thank you for introducing us. May I be the blessing to her that she is to me. Amen

I don’t have quite the gift of words that maybe i want, but she is an angel here on earth and i know when I met her it gave me what I have been looking for all my life. She gave me a never ending love. She is my best friend. She saved me from the hurts of past abuse and made me feel important. She allowed me to call her whenever i hurt saying she would feel better having lost sleep then thinking a friend was hurting alone when nightmares would not let me sleep. She is the only person I like getting hugs from as they used to be treated like they were bad, now i even ask her for one and can say Catherine I love you and always always always hear it back. I now need her hugs as much as i do air.

Trish (Received on Thursday December 6, 2001)